I often felt lonely because people put me behind a glass window, and stripped me of my humanity… thinking this guy is too good for me – granted people still do it today… I mean people put me on a pedestal. People thought I was so perfect, and so holy that I had no humanity. The point of the matter is that it drove me to a place of feeling uptight because I had this rigid expectation to meet. I was struggling with inferiority and struggling with depression because I did not know how to process my emotions or communicate my feelings.
Skip to age 25, I graduated college, won $25,000 from Oral-B and Crest, and was featured on the Rachael Ray Show. Got my single produced by Jerry Wanda of the Fugees and Lauryn Hill…and that’s a story in itself – just never get comfortable…ok?
After that high experience I started searching for my wife, and was sorely disappointed with the women in church, because they all had some extra baggage, and I kept getting rejected… which is totally normal, I came to find out. I felt inferior though, and when people put you on a pedestal, rejection seems to hurt much more. So that led me down a path of looking for love online, being cheated on, and losing my virginity to a self-proclaimed “hoe”. It was a Sunday (out of all the days) and I was picking her up for church ( out of all the things), when I see this black light-skinned dude coming out of her trailer. I asked her “ Is that your sex buddy?” She hesitantly said “ Yes” with a smirk, and I angrily said “ We’re over…” but she begged me to go to church, and I was dumb enough to take her. After church, my heart softened for her, and I took her to lunch (cause I was stupid), then something in me just went negative as I was dropping her off with the mind of never seeing her again. The thought was “ All women are the same, you mine as well have your fun”. So we had sex, and afterward she said, “ You can tell them you lost your virginity to a hoe”. I did not use a condom, I was too embarrassed to buy one because what if someone from church caught me buying one, or my mom? My mom has a knack for showing up when you don’t want her to. Few weeks later I got a little concerned because something downstairs started to burn. So I went to a clinic to make sure I didn’t have an STD. Thank God I didn’t, and the funny thing is that the guy who was doing the test was named Dios, which means God in Spanish.
Now some might not see that experience as too bad, and you probably have gone through worst, but the point is I lost my faith in God I lost my faith in true love. My heart was broken, truly broken from all the women I had dated and experienced. I didn’t believe that I would find a good wife, and at that point I just could not see the point of waiting. I thought to myself “ All women are the same so I might as well use this “hoe” for sex ” I thought to myself “ True love doesn’t exist…’these hoes ain’t loyal’. It might existed in my parent’s day, but not today….” I was broken hearted and hopeless.
So to make a long story short…she was the only girl I slept with because my conscience didn’t let me stay there too long… I had to do an evaluation of my heart, and realize I was a covetous fornicator at heart, and it just manifested itself at the opportune time. My fall had me to rely fully on Jesus rather than my own self-righteous works. In the Bible is it says God judges the heart, and if I was to go before God with my fornicating coveting heart, I’d be deserving of hell… even if I didn’t commit any sin, because God judges the heart (Samuel 16:7) , and cares about how we think. Do you remember why God flooded the earth? “…every imagination of the thoughts of his heart (mankind) was only evil continually. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.” ( Genesis 6:5-6) The heart is rehearsal hall of the actions, and it grieves God when our imagination is filled with porn, idols, murder, covetous, and other harmful things. My heart was filled with some of that stuff, and I had struggled with porn some years before meeting my ex.
Anyway, I went from a self-righteous angry person to a compassionate loving man because I understood that I must forgive as Christ forgave me. I understand that none of us are perfect, we all fall short on righteousness. It’s like trying to fly to the moon in your own home grown cardboard rocket, it ain’t gonna fly . My formication was a real reminder of that, because it was a reflection of my wicked heart – and that I need Jesus daily to clean it with his word.
Now I’m in love again, and my heart is still broken by broken women. But this time I have hope, and this time I turning to God rather than using women for sex, and being sexually immoral . Will God bless me with a wife? He can , but even if he doesn’t I have hope, compassion, and the love of Jesus Christ to all that come my way.